


Your Best Apology

by Rollinginthesheep



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, F/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-31
Updated: 2013-07-31
Packaged: 2017-12-21 23:24:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/906176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rollinginthesheep/pseuds/Rollinginthesheep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear god I was naive, wasn’t I?</p><p>I mean who marries their high school sweetheart in real life?</p><p>I got fooled by the concept of ‘forever’ that he oh-so-sweetly chimed in my ear once upon a time.</p><p>Forever doesn’t exist. We all die. We all rot and become bones. It’s rather disturbing my truth in its bluntest term.</p><p>Isn’t that how the movies go? The pretty ‘underdog’ swoops in and get the guy? Is she even the underdog? Really either way I had no chance. Because here I am and there they are.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Best Apology

**Author's Note:**

> I started this story with the intention of it finishing in a different way but decided as I wrote to take it in another direction. I wanted to explore how left behind Hannah must have felt for a while after Louis broke up with her and moved on with Eleanor.
> 
> I was going to have it end in a far darker manner than it did but I am rather happy with the finished product. I feel this is a far more accurate portrayal of their relationship and the closure they both deserve. I also am pleased I managed to keep Eleanor in a rather positive light in Hannah's mind despite the twinge of jealousy her inner monologue seems to feel for her at the beginning. Haha.
> 
> It's partially based on two of my favorite Taylor Swift songs at the moment. Which some may notice if you are a fan of hers. These songs are both on her newest album and are called _The Last Time_ and _I Almost Do_. Feel free to listen to these to enhance the reading experience.

I get asked often, _‘do you ever feel like you would want to get back with Louis?’_ And I’d be lying if I said no. Our relationship ended so suddenly it was like whiplash from the breaking of a car at stop lights. But even stop lights turn to green sometimes. Well unless they are broken. If that is the case my followers than please call your local authorities on that one.

Horrible attempts at humour aside, my answer is yes sometimes I do. It would be so easy to pick up the phone and call him. It’d be so easy to simply pick up the phone and call Louis and say _‘I want to try this again. You. Me. The fuckery we made of our relationship.’_ He’d either hang up the phone like a sane human being he probably is or reply that he’d say _‘Hannah you fabulous human being I’ve been thinking the same thing.’_ and well, that would be that.

It’d be easy to run to his house, where he’d be sitting alone in his favourite chair, the one by the window where he sat at the end of a particular long week of promotional work. I’d knock on his door because the doorbell has been broken for as long as he’d lived there and he’d answer the door and I’d blabber the aforementioned words. Again, a fork in the road is created. Louis could slam the door in my face or he could bring me into his arms and snog me senseless. The familiar brush of his lips against mine well it would be terribly sinful to indulge in. But I have many reasons not to indulge in said sinful temptations.

Louis and I had something epic. Magical and beautiful but also epic. Epic love means beautiful and sometimes clichéd moments in life. But epic brings bloodshed, lives ruined epic. Loving Louis Tomlinson is like a rollercoaster full of the craziest peaks and the worst falls that cause all your lunch to pitch to the top of your chest, adrenaline rush declines. He is a fairly dramatic person at that and to experience that in too many doses creates drama in your life.

Louis dumped me. Not the other way around. There were so many times I was ten seconds away from punching him in his beautiful face screaming _‘I can’t deal with this anymore!’_ and storm out. But I didn’t. Because I love him. Yes I still love him. Part of me always will love him. He was my best friend. He made me smile when no one else could. He knew exactly what strings to pull to make me want to snog him senseless or cuddle him in my arms. He also knew the easiest ways to bring me to tears. And although he rarely did so, he did more than one occasion when we were together.

Louis knew how to win a fight whether it was using his charm or being a manipulative asshole. Most of the time it was a bit of both. He could be so fucking smug, with his baby blue eyes and flippy hair style. Once in a fight he implied he suspected I was being unfaithful to him during his time away with X-factor. He retracted said words later on but the implication itself always stuck with me. He’d have the gall to say something like this to have me tripping over my flat-out denials of how many reasons he was wrong. Who knows, maybe he was even deflecting his own cheating. I still am not sure now whether he was unfaithful or not. Having thousands of females throwing themselves at you has to be temptation enough. I know I’m nothing special, just his ‘best friend’ from his Doncaster days.

Insecurity is a regular feature in my moods now.

Louis knew this insecurity. He knew everything about me. Or well…he did. I bet he has no idea now. Louis from Doncaster doesn’t even exist in my mind. Instead Louis Tomlinson from one direction, the guy I see plastered all over the city as I walk home from university.

It seemingly glows in the dreary landscape of the dreary sidewalk. _I was the one who encouraged him to audition._ Hey, if it wasn’t my fucking fabulous idea to help my perfect boyfriend to follow his dreams I wouldn’t be as bitter as I am now whilst he parades around with Eleanor Caulder. I wonder if he ever remembers that. That he got his dream and I got to watch him from the sidelines until I got shoved away from the crowd and thrown onto the dreary sidewalk I walk home on every day.

Maybe it is better this way, you know? Maybe it’s better to live in reality compared to the daydream that was having him in my life. I had to grow up some time. Sooner must have been better rather than later. Now I focus myself on my teaching dreams, making sure I don’t let myself get hurt again.

Calling him now, after all this time would open that door. Let him back in and give him a chance to hurt me. I wasn’t going to give him that. No matter how many times I cry myself to sleep over stupid childish fantasies I had over marrying him and being that couple, the one who makes it. Grow old together, have children who have his pretty eyes or my dark brunette locks.

Dear god I was naive, wasn’t I?

I mean who marries their high school sweetheart in real life?

I got fooled by the concept of ‘forever’ that he oh-so-sweetly chimed in my ear once upon a time.

Forever doesn’t exist. We all die. We all rot and become bones. It’s rather disturbing my truth in its bluntest term.

No, now Eleanor has that concept in the palm of her finely manicured palm. I can’t even hate her for it. I can’t hate her for her perfect face, hair and wardrobe. Even the fans whom hated her couldn’t help but admit she wasn’t ugly. She had everything. Looks, money, status, job and Louis.

Isn’t that how the movies go? The pretty ‘underdog’ swoops in and get the guy? Is she even the underdog? Really either way I had no chance. Because here I am and there they are. All perfect and tanned and couplely.

I wonder if she holds back his hair when he gets sick after a night of drinking? I wonder if she feeds him when he gets so intensely involved in his video game marathon that his stomach rumbles in protest. He still is the only person I know that can ignore all body functions when handed a controller.

I wonder if she dances with him when he drags him to the middle of an empty dance floor and moves in the most embarrassing dance moves. _I did._ Dancing with Louis was one of the craziest most liberating things to do. He’d make you forget you were in a crowded room when he smiled at you like a small kid in a candy shop.

I wonder if she puts up with Harry and Louis acting like a bickering old married couple together. Those two were the perfect bromance in action. It honestly didn’t surprise me when we were together that people wondered whether Harry and he were shagging on the side. I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised. I even fantasized about it once. I can still remember how hard Louis had laughed at this confession.

Maybe she does. Maybe she drops that ‘cool as a cucumber’ act when she’s alone with him. Maybe that’s why he loves her so much that he forgot his ‘reason’ for breaking up with me.

To focus on his career, _my arse._

Maybe he truly did believe that was what he’d do. Maybe he had actually thought _‘Hey, I’m going to work for what I’ve dreamed of and then come back and settle down with the girl who waited for me’_. Or maybe he was truly sick of me and needed that excuse to slam the door in my face without actually slamming it. The fans liked us together. He needed me to say everything was fine to fully convince them he wasn’t to blame.

Maybe I’m just getting cynical with age.

Either way when Eleanor arrived on the picture the honesty behind his reasons was truly questioned in my mind. If he possibly lied about this to me so easily was it possible he did so other times before? I hated to be the person to question the faithfulness of my ex-boyfriend but one cannot help but wonder. How long did he contemplate breaking up with me before he did the deed?

Was our relationship really that easy to throw away?

_All of it?_

I suppose it was. Three months was all it took. To forget it all. Move on.

Yet I still couldn’t go on a second date with the one guy I attempted to date after him almost ten months later.

Well done Hannah, you really know how to let go.

Louis isn’t coming back. Maybe that’s why I don’t call.

Maybe it’s because I’m scared.

Either way it has passed. I’ll never see him again if I have it my way. Well…except inevitabley on posters, cds, tv, magazines, the internet and wherever else they manage to plaster the over exposed boy band that was One Direction. The boys honestly deserved every part of success they achieved but it certainly didn’t help having it all shoved in my face every time I had partially processed it all. Louis didn’t hear about my every move all the time….well he did sometimes on twitter but usually he got pissy about it and made a statement and his fans retracted back.

Me?

I didn’t really get a choice.

I suppose I could go live as a hermit in a cabin in the arctic. But I hated cold weather so that idea was a bit too depressing for me. And I definitely didn’t have the funds for that, not with student loans and other living expenses to consider.

Really it wasn’t logical to run away like a coward. So brave, Lioness Hannah lived her best day by day and slowly it got less painful. Bit by bit. But it never really went away. The feelings, the pain, the disappointment in what the boy I use to love had become a man I didn’t even recognise anymore.

Slowly by slowly the questions had died down. People were happy with Louis and Eleanor or were waiting for Harry and Louis to come out of the closet together. I was becoming ‘irrelevant’ to a majority of the one direction fans. I was happy with this development as long as it stopped the income of reminders of my past.

That Hannah didn’t live here anymore.

—-

Doncaster was a vivid reminder of my childhood, teenage years and all those in between. It had been where I had grown up. No matter how hard things became and the reminders I received when I returned home to see the family I wouldn’t stop coming home. Doncaster didn’t belong to Louis fucking Tomlinson. No matter how many people went on about his ‘home roots’. Sure his family still lived here and I saw them occasionally in passing, but this fact wouldn’t stop me returning as well.

Moving on like lioness Hannah would rousingly support.

I swept my brunette hair behind my shoulders as I lifted out my luggage from the car. I had dyed my hair back to its natural color post break up as for one it was easier to maintain and secondly I didn’t want to be the Hannah I was back then.

I think it looked rather good if I said so myself. 

The wind was sweeping around me and it was bitterly cold. Christmas holidays were always cold. Who am I kidding? England in general is always flipping cold. You would think I’d be use to it by now. I’m not. Maybe moving to Australia would suit my climate needs more.

“Hannah banana!” George, my little brother chimmed as he rushed out of the house to aid my unpacking of the car.

“Hey doughnut!” I grinned as I gave him a side-hug with my free arm. He grabbed the heavier bag like it was nothing. He was growing up so quickly. People now mistook him as my boyfriend on twitter. It was rather disgusting. I mean we looked far too alike. Everyone always said that.

Walker genetics at its finest.

“How’s uni?” He asked as we walked up the path to my familiar childhood home.

“Same old, same old.” I replied offhandedly. I didn’t want to blabber on about school. I was happy to have a break from study for a couple of days.

“Wow you fascinating human being! University has clearly expanded your broad vocabulary!” He exclaimed dryly and I sniggered at him, shouldering him as I couldn’t whack him. I was lacking the free hand to do so.

“Oh shush you.” I replied teasingly, as we set the first load of luggage in the foyer and headed back out the open door. I promptly pushed George into the hedge by the doorstep as we did for his previous comment.

“OH FUCK YOU HAN.” He screeched as he flailed around in the puffy hedge, trying to find his footing. I merely laughed as I strode back toward my car.

I was in the middle of sorting through my groceries when a rustling came from behind me. I assumed it was George, who had finally emerged from the hedge.

I was wrong.

“Hannah?” A familiar pitched voice sounded from behind me. I froze. Literally. The orange in my hand rolled away in the boot of my car with an awkwardly loud thud.

I didn’t want to turn around. I couldn’t. I couldn’t see him, not now. Nope. I was dreaming. George where the fuck are you? Damn my need to push people in hedges.

“Hannah?” He repeated and I mouthed a string of curse words before swallowing my pride and slowly turning around.

He was as beautiful as ever.

Fuck him.

Louis fucking blue eyes Tomlinson.

He was slightly taller than the last time I saw him. I wasn’t sure if this was due to the shoes he was wearing or if he had genuinely grown since the previous year.

His hair was no longer across his forehead, instead it was shoved under a grey beanie. He wore a grey jacket that probably cost more than my salary at the local cafe back at uni. He also wore dark blue jeans. I tried not to make it obvious I was scanning his outfit so I glanced back up.

Big mistake.

Damn those eyes.

“It is you!” Louis exclaimed with a wide smile. Oh so that was how he was going to play it. Like we were still the biggest buddies when in honesty we hadn’t even spoken in over a year.

“Yup it’s me!” I replied with a fake fist punch upward. I had no idea how to deal with this. You would think training to be a teacher would give me excellent people skills? Not when I was with ex-boyfriends who were now international superstars.

“I like the hair.” He commented and my hands dropped to my side curled into fists. Must resist urge to flee like a coward. _LIONESS HANNAH LIONESS._

“Bannana I am going to kill-Louis.” George finally had untangled himself from the bush and emerged to come help with the unpacking and kill me in the process. He noticed Louis and froze in a similar fashion to the way I had before. Yup, so related.

“Hello George.” Louis greeted as though this was a completely normal situation. Speaking of normal, I wondered where the customary entourage of his bandmates and fans were. Or even Eleanor. Had he left her in London? Or wherever she came from? I had no idea.

“Hmph.” George responded half-committedly. He had wanted to bash the crap out of Louis when it emerged he was dating Eleanor. He had seen how upset I was. “Come on Hannah.” He grabbed my arm. I nearly stumbled at the sudden movement. I had been so stiff and frozen in awkwardness/shock that I hadn’t expected the sudden movement. I managed to keep upright thankfully.

“Wait!” Louis managed and I paused from my movement back at the car, George groaned as he tried to juggle the luggage in the back of the car, seemingly understanding he was going to get angry if he hung around any longer. I kind of wished he had committed more though to pulling me away. I had literally stood there, half turned toward the back of the car and half toward Louis.

“How are you?” Louis asked and suddenly my blood boiled. _How was I?_

He had nerve.

All this time and he asked how I was? Like we were old friends?

“How am I?” I echoed in a stoic tone.

“I believed that’s what I said Walker.” He laughed awkwardly as he shifted the hands in his stupid jacket.

“How am I? HOW AM I?” I repeated fuming. I don’t know, it was a simple question but it worked me up further upon muttering it again. “How dare you not even talk to me for over a year and come here and ask how I am? Just keep walking Louis. Walk away, it’s what you do best.” I snarled as I managed to grab the last of the bags. I was just about to do a dramatic (and awesome) storm off when I realized I lacked the hands to shut the boot of the car.

Fuck my life.

I glanced at Louis. He looked bug-eyed at my explosion. I turned away attempting to use my foot to shut the boot.

“Uh…do you want me to get that?” He asked after an awkwardly silent moment. I huffed and spun back around.

“Forget it. Just go.” I snapped before storming off and leaving the boot open. I’d get it when he was gone.

I waited inside the foyer until I thought it was safe. George had taken up the rest of my things and I was thankful he wasn’t here to pester me about what had just happened.

I peered out the doorway after a few minutes. Louis was gone, coast clear.

And the car boot was shut.

Fucking Tomlinson.

—-

I had naively hoped that would be the last I saw of him. Really, why now did I think that god would relent on his steady stream of mental torture?

I was fucking stupid when it came to false hope.

Really I was.

I was that kid that would always turn whenever someone said ‘look over there’ as if nothing bad would happen when I complied to this request.

Yet every time I got hit by either a flying water bomb or be the end of someone’s laughter about how foolish I was.

Yeah I can hear those mocking laughs in my head right now.

Why did I even come to this stupid Christmas party at the one place it would be obvious Louis Tomlinson would be if he visited his home town?

Because my mother had the whole puppy eye thing down like clockwork. It was how she had manipulated every one of her children from doing anything heavily risk taking as teenagers.

I think the woman deserves some sort of Oscar for that one expression.

So here I was standing awkwardly in a little black dress as I took in the crowded house that I use to know like the back of my hand. One gains a sense of familiarity to a certain place after spending almost all their time at that place at one point of their lives.

The Tomlinson household was a rather simplistic house that screamed family home. From the toys and random marks on the wall to the screaming children running around like lunatics. The Tomlinson genes had certainly rubbed off on each of Louis’ little sisters.

I shuddered to think of the fates of the poor lads that would date those girls in the future.

George patted my shoulder comfortingly as he took a sip of his drink, gazing at the random crowd of old women that kept muttering and looking at us like we were the plague. One of them was eyeing my legs with concern.

Oh she was assuming I was a slut.

Nice.

“So which one of them is going to be praying for your soul tonight?” George asked dryly, laughing as one of the women looked scandalized at my legs when I shifted the weight from one of them to the other. You would think by her reaction we were in the eighteenth century and not inside a incredibly heated household Christmas party.

“I think the one with the curls. I mean look at the way she is fingering her necklace. She’s clearly a prayer.” I muttered back and George snorted.

“Yup she’s definitely the one. I think she’s ten seconds away from a heart attack.” He replied lowly as we were interrupted by the appearance of someone I hadn’t seen in quite a while. Lottie Tomlinson shuffled over looking more uncomfortable than we both were.

The younger girl had aged quite a bit since I had last seen her. She had obviously discovered how to use make up on her own without me or Louis attempting to do her make up like we use to for fun on rainy afternoons. She was also a bit taller and now only stood about a head under me. It was rather disconcerting indeed. It reminded me how much things had changed.

“Hi Hannah, hi George!” She exclaimed happily and I smiled at her attempt of casualness. Lottie had definitely become more confident since the last time we met.

“Hi Lottie! I love your dress!” I replied politely and she smiled, fingering the material of her purple knee length lace dress. It was rather nice. Not something I would wear, but it definitely suited the girl. As long as she didn’t start wearing suspenders like her brother she would probably be the most stylish Tomlinson for sure.

“Thank you!” Lottie grinned brightly. George nodded at Lottie in greeting but didn’t speak. He didn’t quite know Lottie as well as I did and still held some resentment toward anyone with the last name Tomlinson. Out of the Walker family he was the most hostile. Emily believed in the motto ‘forgive and forget’. My best friend Becky meanwhile wanted to pummel everything in her sight.

No wonder we got along so well.

Lottie wandered off after a few minutes of awkward chit chat and I decided to get myself a drink as I needed something to do before I bored myself to death or begun hyperventilating at the prospect of Louis or his new girlfriend lurking around the corner. Or making out on his bed like we use to.

I shudder at the mental image I swear.

I shuffled away from a cynically observing George to head over to the kitchen where the food and drinks were being served. Mrs. Tomlinson had directed me there earlier and I had smiled awkwardly in appreciation despite the fact I knew where the kitchen was. Maybe she was tactfully avoiding the topic of the fact her son and I use to bang in his bedroom each weekend.

She’s classy like that.

The crowds were causing the air to become stuffy and I was fanning myself by the time I reached the cool tiles of the kitchen floor.

I grabbed a flute of champagne and headed toward the back patio where the crowds split off a bit. The evening air was refreshing on my exposed skin and I went out to sit on the swinging chair in the backyard. It was always my favourite place in the Tomlinson property. Other than Louis’ room at one point. For obvious reasons.

I sat down and successfully managed to balance my almost full drink as the swing dipped and shifted slightly under my weight.

I glanced out at the view around me and sighed in relief, breathing in the fresh air and the hint of lavender I could smell from the bush beside the swing seat.

I took a sip of my drink and leant forward until my elbows were being supported by my bare knees, glancing up at the night’s sky and counting stars in an absent manner.

It was a rather peaceful and relaxing moment. I should have known it would have been ruined before it could really begin.

“Is this seat taken?” A soft unfamiliar voice sounded from my right. I turned my eyes to see the source of the voice and found myself freezing momentarily. Even in the dim light of the garden I could instantly tell who the pretty silhouette who had spoken to me was.

Eleanor Calder.

I held my breath mentally contemplating my options in this situation.

1\. I could slap that bitch and go ‘hell no, I DONT SHARE MY SEATS BUT YOU HAVE FUN SHARING THE BED WITH MY EX BOYFRIEND’

2\. I could nod and leave, letting her have the seat for herself in a fleeing cowardly manner.

3\. I could ask her if she’s ever had her ass kicked by a chick in high heels

4\. I could ask her if Louis had improved on his oral sex technique

5\. None of the above.

Predictably I chose option five. Ever the attempt at peacemaker I shook my head lightly.

“Nah, go ahead, not like I’ve got a line of folks waiting my companionship.” I replied dryly and I almost smacked myself on the forehead at how stupid and lame that response sounded. Eleanor merely smiled and sat down causing the swing to move again. I noted it didn’t dip as much as it had when I sat down. Freaking model genetics the girl had.

“So you are Hannah.” She said after a moment’s silence fell over us and I glanced out at the garden as to avoid her inquisitive brown eyes.

“Yup.” I replied popping the ‘p’.

“I’m sorry.” She murmured a moment later. This bewildered me and I glanced back at her in confusion. She was gazing at me with soft round eyes and I couldn’t help but be reminded of Bambi. I couldn’t even hate this girl if I tried.

It sucked ass.

“For what?” I asked genuinely curious. For what I knew she hadn’t said anything bad about me or stolen Louis from me. Not that I knew of. Hopefully she wasn’t about to change my perceptions and partial bitterness into something else.

Eleanor glanced at her hands which fidgeted nervously. Her fingernails were still perfectly manicured and even shone slightly in the evening light. Fucking hell, she really was a brunette barbie.

“Look, I know how much you mean to Louis and I don’t know, even all his fans preferred you with him. I just feel like sometimes I’m standing in the way of his happiness.” She spoke and furrowed my brows at her words as her voice shook slightly.

I snorted. She looked up from her hands and eyed me with slight nervousness. Did she really think that?

“Eleanor, look, I would be lying if I wasn’t bitter. I’m still pissed as hell at…at- Louis for how he ended things and such and his behaviour afterward but you shouldn’t for a moment doubt his happiness with you. Louis is one of those people, he goes after what he wants and he obviously adores you to stand by you in the midst of everything.” I spoke and I found myself actually _believing_ the words I spoke.

I sighed letting out a deep breath. “I love Louis and I think part of me always will but our time ran out. He moved on and look at all the amazing things he has accomplished with you at his side. Don’t let the fans blind you from what you have. I’m a bitter woman for sure and that’s because I can see how happy you make him. The only thing you should ever be worried about his breaking his heart because I swear asshole or not, I’ll kick your ass if you hurt him.” I spoke comfortingly and I felt a sudden lightness in my heart. My stomach flipped as a casual chuckle sounded from behind me and Eleanor glanced up and I turned to see who she was looking at.

Louis was casually dressed in his usual stripes and his hair was quiffed up. He was lightly clapping his hands and a wide smile was on his childish face. “Now kiss!” He exclaimed and I did smack my palm to my forehead this time.

Eleanor mirrored my movement and we both glanced at each other from the corner of our eyes and laughed at the fact we did the same thing.

“He’s an idiot isn’t he?” She said lowly and I nodded in agreement. I rested my hand on Eleanor’s shoulder in a sudden act of comradeship.

“Louis I think your lady is thirsty, go get her a refreshment whilst the girls get to know each other.” I spoke authoritively and Louis pouted at being sent away before dashing off to comply with my commands. Eleanor smiled at me widely and leant forward, embracing me with a wave of affection I wasn’t quite use to form strangers let alone the current girlfriend of my ex.

“Thank you.” She whispered in my ear and I found myself smiling honestly for the first time in a while. She pulled back slowly and sighed. “You two really do need to talk though. He misses you.” She spoke a moment later and I glanced at my glass rubbing my lips together. I knew she was right but it was still a bitter pill to swallow and I felt unsure about how to take that confrontation.

Part of me knew that the moment I had that proper talk with Louis it would sound out closure for the both of us. Another portion of me knew that I would always hold hope in the back of my mind that Louis and I would get our fairytale ending even though the mere concept of it ever happening faded as each day passed.

Can you ever truly move on from the person who you considered your soul mate?

Was Louis the one for me? Was I destined to spend the rest of my life lonely as Eleanor lived out the story I could only dream of being a part of?

“I’m scared.” I admitted softly ignoring the fact I wasn’t talking to George or Emily or Becky but Eleanor Calder, Louis’ girlfriend.

She gazed at me with sympathetic eyes.

“I know.” She replied. “I’d be terrified if I had to be in your shoes. I mean I have the self-tendency of tearing up my exes photographs even now. But you have the chance to mend an amazing friendship the one that Louis so often speaks about. This might be the only chance you get to do that.” She added cautiously as though she was unsure if I would take her words kindly or lash out. But really all I could wonder was how people ever compared her to the female version of Louis. This woman was far wiser than Louis in his deeper moments. Maybe she was some fallen angel sent to fix human kind one basket case at a time.

Maybe I was just delusional from the amount of champagne I had drunk in the last two hours.

The latter seemed more likely.

“Thank you Eleanor.” I replied as Louis re-emerged with a drink. He handed it to Eleanor and she stood up.

“I might head in and see if Lottie wants to show me her macbook. Thanks for the talk Hannah, it was nice to finally meet you.” She spoke and rubbed Louis’ shoulder for a moment and walked off leaving me sitting there glancing up at Louis who was smiling warmly at his retreating girlfriend’s back.

“She’s really a saint.” I murmured breaking the silence as Louis sat down beside me and the swing shifted violently causing droplets of my half-consumed drinks to land on my skin. I shrugged, knowing I’d probably shower when I got home anyway.

Louis nodded in agreement. “Yup, half convinced she isn’t human.” He replied and I laughed at how similar his words were to my previous thoughts.

“Maybe she’s an angel sent to keep your craziness in line.” I replied teasingly and he grinned in a cheeky manner.

“Probably.” He agreed and we fell silent once more.

The garden shifted lightly in the breeze and I focused my gaze on how beautiful the water of the fountain looked in the moonlight with the light ripples the wind created. It was a rather poetic scene. A nice reunion between friends in a poetic garden.

Although it wasn’t simply that at all.

“I should have called, attempted to maintain our friendship. I’m really sorry Hannah.” Louis spoke breaking the poetic silence with his accented voice. I looked over at him with a crooked smile.

“I probably wouldn’t have answered the phone.” I replied honestly. I sighed and my smile fell. “I was angry at you. I was furious. I tried accepting that maybe I didn’t belong in your life at all but it hurt. It hurt so much that I wasn’t good enough, worthy enough for you because all those girls screamed your name now. I hated knowing that at the end of the day, it wasn’t me you’d fall asleep thinking about. It hurt knowing that you found someone, that you could move on whilst I struggled to even exist without us! I mean how pathetic am I?” I blabbered as my gaze blurred slightly and my eyes begun to water as I poured out every hidden thought I had wished I could have said to him in the previous year.

“I cried so hard thinking you couldn’t even give a fuck to call on my birthday! That you’d give up so easy on anything to do with us. I hated knowing that in a second if you wanted me back I’d probably have ran back into your arms like nothing had ever happened! I hate knowing that now, even with Eleanor in your life I still would!” I blubbered pathetically, my free hand shooting up to my face in an attempt to wipe the tears that now ran down my cheeks messing up my makeup and probably making me look like a panda bear.

Louis looked at me with the most heartbreaking expression. His eyes were glittering furiously and his upper lip was pressing his lower one inward like he did whenever he was upset. His hand was on my shoulder and I tried my best not to shake off the grip like I knew I probably would if I wasn’t such a pathetic mess at that moment.

“I love you Louis. I guess I always will. _But I love you enough to let you go._ Seeing Eleanor and how you looked at her just then, I don’t know. Maybe this is how the story goes I suppose.” I finished pathetically avoiding Louis’ overly blue eyes.

“Hannah.” He said in a firm tone and I focused my eyes onto the bubbles in my drink as they drifted to the surface and popped in a memorizing pattern. “Hannah look at me.” He repeated and I slowly tore my gaze away from the liquid meeting his eyes and I shook slightly at how utterly entrancing his gaze was despite the fact he looked on the edge of tears. It shocked me to the core that after all this time my words had some impact on him like this.

“I will always, and I mean always love you. But Eleanor, she’s….she’s the one for me. And I know in another life maybe this, us, that was the way the story was meant to go but we don’t live in that reality. I can’t however lose you from my life. I’m selfish I know, _but I love you, not enough to let you go._ Not again. I know it’s horrible and I shouldn’t say things like this but Hannah you’ll always be one of my best friends and I want to share all the amazing things I’ve been given in this life because of the encouraging words you gave me on that day when I auditioned those years ago. You deserve happiness. You deserve amazing things. Things I can’t give you.” He spoke in a voice deeper and more honest than I had ever heard him speak. His words both painful and hard to hear voiced a sound of acceptance inside of me that I had been yearning to feel for a long time.

Louis and I were never getting back together.

_But I could accept that._

I however couldn’t accept not having him my life.

“You are such a poet now.” I laughed shakily and I rubbed my eyes again placing my glass on the ground.

“It’s true though. Banana, we are going to find you your knight in shining armor and I swear I’ll beat him senseless if he hurts you like I did.” He replied I managed a warm smile.

“Shut up.” I replied hugging him tightly. I let myself be embraced by his heat, accepting his warmth and feeling my insides bubble with that familiar feeling that came from one of Louis’ hugs. However that flip of my stomach was noticeably absent and it was in that moment I knew I would move on from him one day.

And for now, that was enough.


End file.
